If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
