I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Randomize
