I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Randomize
