The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
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