New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
