You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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