you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
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