i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
