if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
