Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
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