Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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