She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
the room spins SO much faster in panama
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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