Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
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