I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Randomize
