My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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