All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
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