U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
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