I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
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