Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Randomize
