i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Randomize
