Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
