I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
