every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
18 People Are Kind Of A**holes But Also Completely Hilarious
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet