I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
