He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
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Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
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It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot