Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
