Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
