Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
