Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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