There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
