I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Four minutes until I can fart!
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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