Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
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Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
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its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
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