I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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