so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Randomize
