Pregnant stripper...not hot.
bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
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