Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
