you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Randomize
