Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Randomize
