Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
