too bad you live with your parents still
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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