I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
She's the barista slut.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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