I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
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