With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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