4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
