this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
