Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Randomize
