You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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