the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
