I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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