My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
The uberlube is also flammable
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Randomize
