I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
