I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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