Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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