i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
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critical mistake not lubing the nipples
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
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made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
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