every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Randomize
