If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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